So... it's been absolutely years since I've had a blog. Missed opportunities perhaps? However, a little inspiration from my main guy Tom inspired me to set this up sehr schnell. German for 'very fast'. I wanted to start doing more with my personal website than just showing design work or linking to side projects. I felt there was room to also include my incoherent thoughts and butchering of grammar and tense.

What's this all about then? Well, something on my mind recently has been my mixed relationship with fitness, injuries and self-discipline. Yesterday during a regular bout of BJJ (Brazilian Jiu-jitsu for those wondering), I happened to smack my knee against my opponents. Something as simple as an idle knee clashing with another seemed to send a shock straight through my kneecap and up my inner thigh. A freak accident. Sat with an ice-pack on aforementioned knee for the rest of the session.

It was around June last year that I had torn my adductor muscle a little bit part taking in the same sport. This got me thinking "fuck, when am I ever going to catch a break with injuries". I'm often picking up little injuries doing jiu-jitsu while I see fellow practitioners for the most part be injury free. It got me looking introspectively to pin point why I pick up these injuries and that has led me back to my inconsistent truth with fitness and discipline.

If I am truly honest with myself, this past year whilst I've upped my activity levels to more than ever, my commitment levels are sometimes lacking. For example, when I first started BJJ, picking up little injuries which didn't hamper me meant that I'd talk myself out of going. This meant I'd skip classes. Another example is whenever I'd get sick or tempted by something else, I'd cancel my spin class or delay it by a few days meaning overall I'd end up at less classes than I'd like.

Perhaps another example is in the summer of last year. Around this time I started training with a personal trainer to put on some muscle, but outside of the PT sessions, I was quite timid when it came to getting down to the gym and doing the hard work regularly. To be fair, the gym was quite a way away from my residence, but that's no excuse. Especially if it's something I've been telling myself I want.

The thing I guess I've realised the most is that I've got a small pattern and that is every now and again, I'll be consistent, but then the smallest thing can derail me. Despite me knowing this deep down, I convince myself that I'm doing well just by going every week, which might mean there is a spread of 9 days between sessions for example.

One of the other aspects here is eating. The discipline factors rings true here too, while I can last a few days eating fairly healthy, if I happen to be back home in London and I pass a Dixy Chicken, well you better fucking believe I'm coming out with 2 pieces, 3 wings and chips. It's a side of my character I've tried to quell for a long time. Whilst I go through periods of success, sometimes I convince myself "it was never going to make a difference anyway".

So, having given a brief history of fitness and eating in the past year or so, I'm at a stage where I'm questioning why can I find the drive and concentration to fulfil a silly task like build this website in 2 days but not to lift up weights off the ground?

I'm at an impasse of, I'd like to gain more muscle, be a tiny bit more leaner and generally at least not be limping every now and again. I often like to think I'm not afraid of hard work because of past examples in other areas such as career or working toward other goals. However, the more I think about it, it's almost as if I am afraid to do the hard part and reach that full on transformation I've wanted for my body.

I'm pleased to have lost all the weight I ended up putting on through drinking and eating crap almost every day, but there's still a long way to go in this journey. Just I find myself questioning my application. Every day is a new day after all and better to do something than nothing at all.

Today however, I nurse my knee better. 🤷‍♀️